


Stronger than Blood

by EriiErii



Series: Adventures in toying around with Xanyoma things [2]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Blood and Violence, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 11:58:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20227483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EriiErii/pseuds/EriiErii
Summary: As king Xander came to his senses following a violent rampage against traitorous Nohrian soldiers still loyal to his father, Ryoma is badly wounded in the ambush and clinging for life. Although Xander saves him, the circumstances of how he knew to rescue his lover comes at a terrible price that haunts Xander with memories of the fate of his original retainers.





	Stronger than Blood

Xander eventually calmed enough to take in his surroundings once more. He became accustomed once again to the darkened streets that led a path to Shirasagi's capital, originally blurring his vision and thoughts a moment ago with little else but memories of blood, tears and vengeance ringing throughout the night. While the streets grew dark in the late night, there were much darker patches all throughout the cobblestones where blood splattered all over. Littering the streets were bits and pieces of what remained of his victims from limbs, to diced bits of organs, to mangled corpses that were carelessly scattered all over the place. To Xander's heavy dismay, they were Nohrian soldiers. More specifically, they were soldiers who remained loyal to Garon, even long after Garon's death and his own ascension to the throne as king.

But that distinction didn't matter in the heat of the moment, and still didn't matter enough for Xander to share pity now. Nohrian or not, they knew they sealed their fate the moment they turned a sword to their king. Worse, they would _especially_ have known only death awaited them for harming the one whose hand he took as his lover and co-ruler of Nohr.

The more Xander came to his senses, the more aware he was that his eyes welled with tears that flowed freely down his face and mixed alongside the blood that had splashed on his cheeks. He was so numb to his surroundings that it took him a moment to realize he was crying at all. A hardened, stoic glare remained in spite of his crying, and a moment ago he showed a fury that eclipsed his grief and sorrow with his anger and thirst for a bloody revenge.

He rushed toward the alleyway tucked between two crumbling buildings. He was at least relieved this part of town had been completely deserted, but it was little comfort when Xander rapidly recalled _why_ the two buildings forming the alleyway were crumbling in the first place.

He should've been more careful. After coming this far, of _course_ these traitors wouldn't be able to catch him or Ryoma off-guard _that_ easily. But even so, even with their upper hand of their combined strength, he still let his guard down at the worst time possible. He remembered how he struggled against a swordsman just a moment too long, and Ryoma shoving him out of the path of an incoming wyvern rider in an ambush meant for him. A moment ago, the two were on a more elevated vantage point, and half of Xander's victims became little else but kibble and blood puddles for getting in his way of moving further down to reach Ryoma. Xander's chest tightened, but whether the wyvern and its rider were alive or dead, Ryoma was his priority, and he'd be damned if he lets anyone else get in his way to find him.

And so he did.

It took some digging. From the way the wyvern completely fell apart with ease for every part Xander gripped and pulled on, it was clear to him that Ryoma fought hard and strong on his way down and shredded the wyvern into several different parts. Malig or not, he easily found the head, and its eyes were without any light in them. It was beyond life and undeath. He didn't even bother try to find out what Ryoma did to the rider. From how he found their mount, if Ryoma hadn't killed them on his way down, the fact he wasn't ambushed left Xander guessing either they were crushed in the rubble, or they broke themselves on impact. It was a fate he hoped and prayed Ryoma didn't also suffer. He continued to pull things and toss them here and there, getting frantic the longer he went without seeing Ryoma as his anxieties grew.

At last, he finally found him.

At first, he was relieved that Ryoma wasn't buried in much of the rubble that crushed much of the wyvern and possibly its rider otherwise. If anything, there was rubble beside him, and a banner fell on top of him, but at least he wasn't crushed to death.

But the relief of finding Ryoma at all was short-lived. He was still collapsed on his side with his back turned to Xander. He also didn't react to Xander's footsteps. It took him moving close enough to reach out and touch him to see he was still breathing, and he still barely reacted. Xander moved over to face Ryoma, noticing trickles of blood leaking along the side of his mouth. Already keyed up at the sight, Xander pulled the banner off of Ryoma to check him over from the neck down.

His heart sank.

Ryoma's armor was cracked through at his abdomen, and wedged into his stomach was not just the sharp tip of a lance, but a broken segment of the shaft as well. Xander knew that the fact Ryoma was stabbed with more than just the lance's tip, combined with the impact being strong enough to break into his armor, that it wasn't so much Ryoma was stabbed, but that he fell onto them on his way down at just the wrong angle. The only thing his armor did was just barely prevent either parts from shredding straight through his stomach, but for the depth they've reached into Ryoma's flesh, it was still enough to leave him in a small puddle of blood that was pooling together a slow, painful death sentence for him.

"Xan...X-Xander..." Already, Ryoma's voice was weak, soft and strained. Even after everything, his will still remained as strong as ever, but just barely. Xander didn't know whether or not to be proud of such, especially in this instance, but he had worse things to worry over than whether or not Ryoma stayed conscious.

Seeing him was painful. It wasn't just the sight, but Xander's own rising panic he barely contained behind a disturbingly stoic look. No matter how much his blood ran cold and how the back of his mind was constantly picked at with thoughts Ryoma was already dead. He pulled out his elixers and vulneraries, barely keeping calm enough not to risk losing his grip and dropping them outright.

He couldn't lose Ryoma. He couldn't do this. Not again.

He tried to tear off or strip away anything from cloth to armor fragments away from Ryoma's stomach. He tried everything he could to expose him, yet otherwise isolate the lance pieces until they were all that remained between Ryoma's bloodied flesh and the two direct causes of his pain. He didn't even hesitate to rip his own cape off to save time detaching it properly, then shredded it further to tear off a large, clean section of it while wrapping it loosely around his hand. He soaked it partially with one of his vulneraries before dabbing immediately along Ryoma's stomach directly around the lance pieces, preparing him to start the mending process before he took more drastic steps to save him.

"Ryoma, hang on. Here. Drink." His voice was tense. Perhaps _too_ tense. He still maintained a near chillingly calm yet authoritative tone to him despite Xander's thoughts clashing between yelling at himself Ryoma was dying and yelling at himself further he was messing up. The moment he adjusted Ryoma and propped him up in one arm, Ryoma was already coughing and sputtering up more blood. Even if it wasn't enough to suggest he was outright drowning in it, seeing him cough up enough to paint his chin and chest crimson made the thoughts even worse.

He's dead.

He's gonna die.

You'll kill him just like you killed _her_.

"Mon amour, please... _Drink._" He tried to ignore his growing thoughts in favor of tilting his open bottle of elixer to feed Ryoma with it. He could see how Ryoma's will, ridiculously strong as it may, could only keep him conscious for so long, and he couldn't tell what his look conveyed between worry, concern or resignation, but now wasn't the time for Xander to decipher what ran through Ryoma's head. Ryoma grimaced between his pain and having to drink part of the blood still caught in his throat, but with Xander's help, he drank nearly the whole elixer bottle's contents in one shot. Xander tried to be overly careful giving Ryoma time to let the contents settle in him before gently laying him down on his back again. Be it relief from the elixer taking hold, or his bloodloss finally winning over his will, Ryoma slowly closed his eyes and lost consciousness.

Taking a new, clean section of what was formerly his cape, Xander soaked it with more of his vulnerary before shifting the fabric over his hand like an impromptu glove. Shifting his hold just around the lance pieces, he took a deep breath in steeling his nerves again before readying his free hand to grip tightly around the shaft.

You'll kill him.

He _will_ die.

His death will be on your hands just like _her_.

He pulled with all his might to yank the shaft out of Ryoma, and just as quickly put as much pressure as he could at the hole left behind. His breaths grew harsh when Ryoma took in a sharp breath and writhed in pain no matter how much he tried to suppress such with all his training and honor code as a samurai. Xander tried as much as he could to keep pressure onto Ryoma's wound, praying the elixer and vulnerary would work and growing fearful every second it took before at last, his skin and organs mended with little else but a massive bruise hidden under far too much blood than Xander wanted to see ever come out of Ryoma.

He was still breathing, if harshly. He was still alive enough to visibly grit his teeth and suck in air in trying to suppress his pain. Xander took it as a fair enough sign to repeat the process once more with another vulnerary-soaked cape shred and even more mental prayers Ryoma would live. Yet again he was met with Ryoma painfully gasping and sucking in air even more harshly than the first time, feeding more into Xander's guilt and anxieties of how much pain Ryoma still felt even in his state of consciousness, magnifying his worries of how bad off he was.

He couldn't stop the way his hands shook anymore. He couldn't stop the tears from falling or his own breaths picking up loudly and harshly as he himself felt nerves away from collapsing likewise. He tried desperately to keep pressure onto Ryoma's second wound until that too turned into little else but an ugly bruise.

Xander tried to will himself to stand. His legs felt ready to collapse under him, and he felt as if his limbs had the strength and balance of jelly. He couldn't let this affect him. If he dropped Ryoma, it would rupture his fragile skin and burst his wounds open all over again. It would no doubt finish him off for sure. He couldn't allow it, not after all of this.

He picked him up and carried Ryoma with him out of the building. Thankfully, for as terrified as his horse was of Xander's mindless chaos a moment ago, the horse thankfully didn't fight him or resist his attempts to hitch Ryoma and himself on his back. He carefully balanced Ryoma in front of him in riding off, his mind running on auto-pilot in riding back to Shirasagi's palace with about as much self-awareness as what caused the destruction he left behind in the first place. He just barely even remembered how his return to Shirasagi went beyond screams of grief and Ryoma slipping out of his hands.

Tired.

So... tired...

* * *

There were soldiers everywhere. He was so young, stupid and careless... He was outnumbered and surrounded. His retainers came to his rescue just when he fought so much he was on the verge of collapse. They did so much for a lord stupid enough to put them in a battle they should've never fought in the first place.

Despite their rank, they did everything they could to save him, even if it took grabbing him by his collar and shoving him into a narrow crevice. They did everything to trap him in there, and more to keep everyone else out.

There was so much blood. Gareth's body was pierced with so many arrows, and yet no amount of wounds he took could wipe his smirk off his face.

Lyonesse somehow survived where Gareth couldn't. Just barely. But she was laying on the ground, her stomach impaled with a sword. He had to at least try to save her when he failed Gareth. His grip tightened on the tilt of the sword and he pulled with as much strength as he could.

So much blood.

The way the light in her eyes rapidly faded, and...

* * *

Xander snapped awake. He didn't even remember falling asleep, but his face was halfway buried in his arms as he woke up from having slumped against the kotatsu in his and Ryoma's Hoshidan chambers. Even with a kotatsu, exhaustion overtook him so fast that he slumped beside it without even taking advantage of the futon. His body was sore and sluggish in fighting his attempts to sit up, all while his hair was a disheveled mess just as much as his fully-armored, bloodied, tattered body. He was so burnt out and drained that it took him a solid moment slowly blinking in realizing his door slid open. It took even longer to realize the culprit was Sakura, and that she was speaking to him. Her voice was like an audible blur to his ears that he had little more than "mnnuh...?" to say back at first. Fortunately, she was patient in recognizing he wasn't entirely all there.

"King Xander, um... I-I said Ryoma really wants to see you."

Finally, he snapped out of his daze enough to understand her. Relief set in that Ryoma survived the night and was saved after all, but... did he _really_ want that? Even after all he put him through that he just _barely_ survived from?

"Maybe it's best I should just go back to Nohr..." He sighed to himself, lost in his thoughts of guilt, already highly doubting Ryoma really wanted anything to do with him. Too bad that, while his thoughts remained so clouded, he hadn't realized he whispered such a thought out loud, and not in a hushed enough tone to keep Sakura from hearing him.

He did not expect to watch how quickly Sakura went from timid worry of intruding on him, to tranquil, subdued fury. He realized that all this time, she was holding a healing stave, no doubt to help with Ryoma's treatment. He became even more aware of the soft cracking he could hear from the way Sakura's grip tightened on the shaft.

"H-how... _How can you say such a thing?!_" Xander realized too late Sakura was already nerves away from her breaking point, and Xander's careless thoughts may have very well pushed her over the edge. "H-he was- Nii-san, he...! H-he wouldn't have lived without you! E-even when he woke up, he tore himself open trying to get up and look for you! He was scared a-and-! And even after all this y-you'd rather-?!"

"He what?" His guilt built up the more upset Sakura grew. He quickly realized the error of his ways and tried to diffuse it. "S-sorry, my apologies, I... I spoke carelessly..." And while his feelings didn't entirely change, he _did_ realize now wasn't the time to slink back to Nohr after all.

And with how much Sakura stomped up to him, chest puffed and eyes fixed into a glare, she wasn't about to let him either. She marched right up and, even while clumsily trying to balance her staff against one of her arms, she grabbed one of Xander's arms with one hand and pulled with all her strength.

"T-then you're going to Nii-san, right? Please...! Get... UP!"

He could definitely see how much Elise had an influence over Sakura after a while. When her heart was set on something, her and Elise sounded almost completely alike. Unfortunately, Sakura's strength alone, upset or otherwise, wasn't enough for her to pull Xander up on his feet no matter how hard she tugged at him with clear effort.

Then again, Xander wasn't in the mood either to upset Sakura worse than he already had, and he eased in standing in such a way as to at least give her the illusion of thinking she was pulling him up herself. In some ways, he was proud of how far Sakura came in being so demanding and assertive and not once crumbling into apologies and panic even long after she managed to drag him to where Ryoma was.

He took in a deep breath. Sakura still remained stubborn to stay near and watch him, but Xander couldn't tell if she was remaining on standby over Ryoma's condition, or standing around to make sure he faced Ryoma. Either way she clearly had her brother in mind. He slid the door open and stepped into the room. He could see Ryoma's shadow through the shoji screen that stood between him and the door. He was still laying down, but Xander could already tell from his silhouette he was completely changed out of his armor and bundled in the sheets of the futon he laid in. He could see a much more pronounced show of Ryoma's breathing compared to how subtle and shallow he was when he found him in the wreckage. And more, he watched the way Ryoma clearly turned from one side to the other in the futon, struggling slightly with a moan, but otherwise facing the screen.

"Is... is he here...? Xander..." Ryoma's voice was still so tired and weak. He could vaguely see two shadows on his side of the shoji screen, and he held slight hope one of them was Xander.

"H-he is, Nii-san." Once again, Sakura was back to being timid and gentle in her tone. She gave Xander a look that told him enough she was already tired and stressed of seeing Ryoma in the state he was, and Xander likewise saw and heard enough not to push his luck by turning tail. He moved closer, eventually walking around the shoji screen to the other side, until the two reunited. Despite Ryoma clearly making an effort to lift himself and sit up, Xander was quick enough to reach him in time to gently press his open palm against his chest, trying to coax him to lay back down. Already he was well enough to pout at him, but already, Xander could see red blotches along his bandage-wrap cast along his stomach, whose shade was vibrant enough to prove Sakura's point Ryoma did reopen his wounds to some degree after all.

Still, while Xander settled to sit by his side, Ryoma reached over to grab his arm, relieved to see Xander safe as well, but not exactly ignorant at how bloodshot Xander's eyes were or how he clearly didn't wash up or strip since last night. His face still held the blood splattered on his face that long since dried over his skin now.

"You're a mess... Where did you go all this time?"

"I'll be fine. I was merely too exhausted... I'm more worried for you, mon amour."

He chuckled, but Xander could hear signs of Ryoma's congestion midway of it. He gently took Ryoma's hand off of his arm and held his hand gently between both his own. Even if Ryoma brushed the gauntlets more than Xander's skin, it still soothed the both of them. Even if it hurt to watch someone as strong and powerful as Ryoma left in bed with visible bandage casts and such a weakened demeanor, Xander's fears melted to see he was still alive regardless.

But his anxieties still ate away with him. Ryoma became this way because of _him_. All for an attack meant for _him_. Ryoma paid the price for Xander's carelessness.

"Xan-kun, I... I'm sorry..."

Which is why it took him by surprise that just as he opened his mouth, readying his own apology, Ryoma beat him to it.

"Y-you're...? For what? It wasn't your fault, none of it was."

"I was careless. Perhaps there was a better way to spare us both an attack, but the way I chose was dangerous... I gave you more pain than need be, Xan-kun, all because I didn't consider my options well enough..."

"Mon amour... Y-you're just...!"

Huffing in disbelief, it was his turn to catch Ryoma by surprise in releasing Ryoma's hand just to press either of his palms against Ryoma's cheek, remaining mindful not to cut Ryoma's face with the tip of his claws from his gauntlets.

"You're so foolish...! All this time and...! Do you seriously think any of this was your fault?!" He didn't know whether to laugh or cry. At least Ryoma chose to laugh, as serious as his apology was, but he was good-humored of Xander gently squishing his cheeks before letting him go. As much as he was in disbelief at first, Xander's mask started cracking as he backed off, shaking his head and slowly wearing his heart on his sleeves as his vulnerabilities shined through.

"...I could've... I-I nearly lost you, Ryoma... If anyone, I owe you so many apologies... You were hurt because _I_ was the one that got careless, just like when-"

He stopped himself. Come to think of it, he never brought up his retainers to Ryoma before. More specifically, his retainers before Laslow and Peri.

Unfortunately, he didn't stop soon enough. Ryoma's expression fell into immediate concern and worry.

"When what...?"

"Nothing." Xander was so quick to shut it down, it was almost defensive. "It's nothing, Mon amour. Nothing to... n-nothing to worry about..."

"Xander..." But Ryoma wasn't fooled. However, seeing Xander cave in on himself, it was obvious to him how much the subject, whatever it was, bothered him. But the difficulty came in how to pry it out of him without losing him completely to his own thoughts. He could see how dulled his eyes looked, knowing it wasn't just from the exhaustion that left them so red. Was this even worth pressing?

"...Xan-kun... Go wash up, will you? And strip out of your armor. Promise me that after, you'll come back to me, will you?"

Maybe it was an argument for another time after all. He could see how much relief Xander felt of the subject drifting off that, for now, Ryoma let it go.

"...Hmhm...I promise, Mon amour."

"Thank you."

* * *

Ryoma let him go. As promised, Xander left his side as one broken and battle-scarred, and came back tired but calmer and refreshed. No longer was he in bloodied armor, but dressed in a cozier yukata. Although playful of such, it made Ryoma jealous in a way that he couldn't wear his own yukata likewise, no thanks to how often he keeps tearing himself open a little far too many times to let him cover his chest and stomach up. Not if Nurse Sakura had anything to say about it.

He was far from shy to try to prove to Xander that he was already making great strides in recovering just today alone. Despite Xander's hesitance before, he was sitting up without incident by the time Xander came back, and he insisted to eat with him like normal, with the only change was pausing to let a healer mend and redress him or his increased intake of vulneraries to his diet to match. He tried all he could to prove to Xander he'd be ok, and at first, it worked well enough to coax Xander to sleep with him and settle beside him just like they always would.

"...Heh. You know, Xan-kun, I'm sure there are certain exercises we can do to prove myself to you... It could even ease your tension."

He traced along Xander's now-bare skin with his fingers while the two were cuddled up together in the futon. No way was Xander letting him out of his sight two nights in a row, after all. Ryoma brightened when he watched how a smile formed along Xander's lips, perked up when Xander leaned up to nuzzle cheek to cheek, and felt chills down his spine as Xander whispered seductively in his ear.

"Absolutely not... Goodnight, mon amour."

That is, until he heard what Xander actually said. As much as he pouted, he had to give Xander credit for humoring him a little.

Unfortunately, Ryoma may have overestimated his ability to recover.

All throughout the night he felt his congestion worsen until he was left in coughing fits, a few times coughing little trickles of blood. He tried not to be too loud or too much of a nuisance as to keep Xander awake with him, but it was too late and too much for him to keep to himself. A checkup with a healer later and it was found he developed a running fever.

He felt confident he was in good hands whether or not it was related to his wounds. Sure, he may have to take more remedies on top of his vulnerary intake, but he felt that what could mend and fortify his organs and skin could just as easily treat his fevers as well.

Xander, however, thought differently. The moment he found Ryoma tightly gripped by his illness, something in him snapped in a way Ryoma wasn't sure how to describe, much less tell the cause. He knew how he gets when he worries, be it for him or for their family otherwise, but the way Xander started acting was as if Ryoma was dying.

He'd wake up more than once only to see Xander wake up before him, hovering over him and shaking, yet shying away from telling him if something happened or what really bothered him otherwise. Every time his coughing fits got especially bad, he swore he saw Xander visibly shaking no matter how much he denied it. One time he caught him by the hand only to feel his hand tremble worse than his own. And yet, every single time, Xander shied away from the subject without admitting what left him so terrified.

That night, he couldn't sleep. Not for the lack of trying. His congestion worsened and kept tickling his throat to want to cough. It became a struggle between giving in and staying up, or repressing it in a vain attempt to rest. He figured the best he could do right then was at least close his eyes and calm his breathing.

It was enough to fool Xander into thinking he was asleep otherwise. At first he didn't think to bother Xander with how late it was as it is.

"It's not.... i-it's... it's not fair..."

He didn't expect to hear Xander whisper to himself in such a defeated, meek tone. His voice was pained and grieving. If he wasn't already crying, Ryoma picked up how Xander's voice gave way he might very well break soon.

"H-he can't... after ev...a-after all of it he... he can't die... why..."

Ryoma opened his eyes, but as dark as it was to hide such from Xander, Ryoma's eyes already adjusted well enough to tell Xander was sitting on his side of the futon with his back turned to him. He could definitely tell Xander was sobbing before he could help himself from the way his shoulders slumped and his body shuddered in timing with the way he heaved.

"Did I do this to him...? Was it not enough...? A-after everything and he... s-still..."

Ryoma had enough.

He hoped Xander would come to him with the truth in his own time. He gave him space and time to decide for himself when he was ready and left many arguments fizzle and die at an instant in favor of his trust in Xander. But Ryoma wasn't about to wait on Xander to break himself for the slim chance of telling him the truth on his own accord. Not anymore. Not if it'll break Xander to a point of crying.

"It isn't because of you. I'm ok and this is expected." He was matter of fact of such, even if he only had his knowledge of their healing resources and the healers themselves to trust his judgement on. He watched Xander jump a bit and hastily turn to face him, trying quickly to stifle his tears and once again pretend his pain away.

Ryoma wasn't having any of it. He forced himself up and grabbed Xander by his shoulders with as much strength as his sick body could muster right then.

"Xander, please. Enough of this. Tell me what's wrong."

"It's noth-"

"_Tell me._" No more. He wouldn't let this go anymore. Not when Xander would beat himself in silence over whatever this was. "Do you not trust me anymore...? Is that why you keep lying to me? Please, Xander, _tell me._"

He pleaded with him. Whether or not he could clearly see it, he begged Xander with his looks and his tone. The only thing to get in the way was letting Xander go when the stress was enough to tickle his throat and send him in another fit he had to turn away from Xander just to avoid coughing all over him. Yet again, even if he could feel Xander reach out to rub his shoulder as he coughed, Xander's hand trembled the whole time doing it. At first, Xander hesitated to say anything. It left Ryoma hurt he would rather stay silent than trust him after all. That he would yet again rather suffer in silence.

"....retai.... my... my retainers..."

Only for Ryoma to perk up when, although Xander clearly hesitated, he tried to open up little by little. He gave him time to find his voice again, all while easing himself out of his latest coughing fit in the meantime.

"Did something happen to Laslow or Peri...?"

"No, not..." Xander sighed heavily. It was Ryoma's turn to reach over and rub Xander's shoulder to encourage him.

"...It was before them, I... They died before Peri and Laslow served me."

At least Ryoma relaxed at the news his current retainers were fine, but tensed with concern over the retainers the two succeeded. He could feel Xander's breaths pick up more.

"...I killed one of them. And if I kill you the same way, I don't know what I'd..."

"What do you mean?" There was no resentment in his voice. It left him confused of what Xander meant exactly by killing him or the retainer otherwise, but he trusted Xander enough not to change his feelings. Yet again, Xander fell silent for a moment, as if immediately regretting bringing it up in the first place.

"...Never.... Nevermind. Let's get some rest."

"_Xander._" He was not in the mood to let this go so easily. "_Please._ Tell me. What do you mean? What happened?"

To Ryoma's frustrations, Xander didn't budge on the subject. He wrapped his arms around Xander's waist and rested his head against Xander's chest. Despite hesitating, Xander reached over to hold Ryoma tightly to him in return.

"...It hurts to see you like this, Xander. I thought we were past this... That you wouldn't lock yourself somewhere that I can't follow you... I don't want you to keep this to yourself if it'll keep breaking you like this."

But what else could Ryoma do? It frustrated him how much Garon broke Xander to a point he had to resort to this so much. He could never forgive that bastard for all the scars he left on his lover. But what happened to the retainer that Xander couldn't trust him enough to explain when he trusted him otherwise with all his pain and scars from Garon?

"...I was a weak child."

He felt Xander rub his shoulder as he finally willed himself to say it, to which Ryoma didn't dare interrupt, much as he heavily disagreed.

"When I was younger, I was much more timid and shy, like Sakura. I also wasn't nearly as skilled with swordplay, not at first... But... you already knew that..."

Indeed. It still left Ryoma angered at Garon, but for the sake of giving Xander time to open up, he held his tongue in favor of nuzzling Xander's chest.

"...I overestimated what I was capable of, and I was ambushed by several soldiers. I can't even remember where they came from or whether or not they might've been brigands instead, but... my previous retainers were a mage named Gareth and a paladin named Lyonesse. They found me before I would've fell in battle, but it shouldn't have been a fight they had to face if I wasn't so careless and stupid...!"

"That's hardly fair to blame yourself for, Xander, especially if it's as you say and you were ambushed." And yet, to Ryoma's frustration, Xander shook his head.

"They hid me away while they fought... By the end of it, they killed everybody, but Gareth lost his life in the process. I found Lyonesse soon after, barely alive, but with a sword through her... Just... just like the lance through your stomach... It was roughly the same place. I-I thought... I was so stupid, I thought I could save her by pulling the sword out of her, but... it killed her almost immediately instead. She drowned in her own blood because of me..."

Ryoma could feel it again. The shaking, the trembling, the way Xander tried and barely failed to hide and suppress his feelings all over again. But it also made sense. For what Ryoma could barely remember, even if he counted his blessings Xander found him in time to save him, Xander was a similar mess the entire time. He thought it was just his nerves being shot from seeing him in such a state. After all, Ryoma would be lying if he could stay calm either if he saw Xander badly wounded and drowning in his own blood. But...

"...That's... not fair to blame yourself for either, Xander."

But now that he knew the truth, he'd be damned if he'd let Xander break himself in grief and guilt simply for having a fever on top. Especially given the context.

"_If I hadn't pulled that sword out, she could've been saved! A healer could've helped her and she wouldn't suffer the way she had!_"

"_And you were a child barely versed in combat._" He didn't know how he found the ability to argue without choking himself in another coughing fit, but Ryoma tried to match with Xander in tone with refusal to let it consume him anymore. "You wouldn't be the first or last to think to pull a weapon out from someone who was impaled. You knew now because you studied what to do since, yes? That's how you saved my life."

"_A-and even then, you're still-_"

"**_I would've been ill regardless._**" Granted, Ryoma knew he might've snapped a bit too harshly, but as he was equal amounts sick of this as he was sick in general, he had enough. "I am under risk of infection. Even so, my immune system is weaker while I recover. Still, with what you did, I would think I would be in a much worse condition otherwise if you hadn't treated me as you had. _If a dragon and a tyrant aren't able to kill me, a fever certainly won't either!_"

Xander hesitated, but Ryoma kissed him on the cheek, if roughly in his rising anger, as he rather aggressively tried to stand up for him.

"And I only knew such because Mother and Mama were healers. I knew because I have other healers I trust enough to ask and learn this from. You on the otherhand had a so-called father who let you down time and again, in a castle where anyone would be more than willing to stab you in the back for political gain. To expect to know how to treat impalement when anyone who could teach you would be more than willing to kill you instead is ridiculous!"

Xander ran out of words, taken aback with Ryoma's. He wasn't sure if it was a good kind of silence or a bad one, but at least he stopped shaking in Ryoma's hold. He shifted in trying to bring him closer to hold him, feeling how Xander initially shifted awkwardly into the embrace, yet slowly followed through.

"It'll be ok Xander. I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish you told me sooner, but... You took what happened with Lyonesse and learned from it well enough to save me. I think that you took such measures at all proved Lyonesse didn't die in vain. And you did what you could for what you knew at the time."

He felt his chest getting wet when Xander took his turn to rest his head beside Ryoma's chest. He tried to pretend he was above being so upset, but it was too much, and was a memory that haunted him for far too long. He knew it was far from the only thing weighing on Xander's shoulders, but even to relieve him of one such hurdle was still a victory worth fighting for. He crumbled in Ryoma's hold, and he held him for some time, trying to calm and soothe him the whole way. The whole time, his throat also had enough mercy on him not to send him in another coughing fit. When Xander finally calmed the whole way, even as the two were tired and burned out, Ryoma still fussed over Xander in making up for how much Xander fussed over him for so long since the attack.

"...M-mon amour... thank you..."

It was something he was glad to be with him for. Xander focused for so long shouldering the woes, worries and traumas of his remaining siblings and his own trauma that he hardly had anyone to turn to or any way to release his own tension. He made a vow since the two got together he would help him solve that, and while he knew there were no doubt other things Xander would need help on, for now, he was glad Xander trusted him enough with this. He kissed Xander on the forehead while both settled in for the night.

Perhaps it was something both of them needed after all. As if a switch flipped, Ryoma's health went from worsening enough to make Xander panic, to improving steadily and rapidly every day. He almost turned it into a game of proving what he could do again next without breaking himself. It took him a week to make a full recovery, although it took two weeks for Xander to fully trust him enough to be fit enough to battle again.

At least he was slightly less fussy of how long it took before Xander trusted he was capable of a certain _other_ kind of battle.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! For post updates, questions, art and general random silliness in between, check me out at eriisaam.tumblr.com for more!


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